Fostering empathetic listening as a mentor and coach
Empathy is the ability to step into the shoes of another person, aiming to understand their feelings and perspectives, and to use that understanding to guide actions and change.
A skilled mentor or coach is able to use a range of listening capabilities and listen really well. Quality mentor and coach training, should, I believe, include plenty of time on how to listen, the levels of listening, and increasing listening capability at a generative level. This involves empathetic listening.
Follow in Senge’s footsteps
The core principle for empathetic listening is to ‘seek first to understand, before being understood’.
This is supported by your aim to:
be able to see the world as others see it: you listen and ask questions to understand their world view, in other words, you are able to get inside the other person’s frame of reference.
be non-judgemental: park your own values and beliefs and remember to close the perception gap (what they say and do and what you make it mean).
understand another's person's feelings: this is about understanding they have them and that it’s not being sympathetic; nor does it mean you have the same feelings (you don’t).
communicate that you understand that person's feelings: genuine connection and compassion follows.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”.
Stephen Covey
How to do it
The following actions are those I aim to achieve:
Being able to empty myself of my own point of view and simply listen in a conversation. This stops me falling into the trap of projecting my own intentions, thoughts and ideas onto the mentee/coachee’s.
Using active and generative listening and asking open and clean questions.
Repeating back using the mentee/coachee’s words. This demonstrates that I am listening and builds trust. Or perhaps ‘press pause’ and summarise back and then check that I have understood, taking care with language. This is not about interpretation. This is about understanding. This will give you insight at a feelings level.
Continue to pay attention with care throughout the conversation: be patient, listen to the whole message, i.e. language, voice and non verbal.
Use silence: you are providing space for the mentee/coachee and yourself to reflect, so it is powerful as well as necessary.
Stay present.
Where to start
Learn and practice active listening.
Pay attention to when someone epxresses a feeling.
Avoid probing and analysing type questions.
Acknowledge feelings when they are expressed.
Be self aware.
Beware assumptions.
Never say ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘that hapepened to me’. You don’t and it didn’t.
It’s a ‘ticket for life’
Empathetic listening is a valuable skill for life.
People want to be understood, so they are usually gearing up to reply, formulating a response in their head (listening to themselves), and without awareness, are filtering what’s being said through their own ‘autobiographical responses’.
Seeking to undertsand another’s point of view by listening before seeking to be understood one’s self, on the other hand, is the sign of a good communicator.
I think what’s difficult, or a challenge, is that it’s a hard thing to do without practice and commitment and a genuine positive regard towards others and their feelings.
Mentor and coach professional development
Mentors and coaches can practise empathetic listening and review and reflect on sessions with their clients. They can use their reflective practice too. Asking for feedback from a client should be happening anyway. Continuous practice will help improve the length of time you can listen actively, and help you foster empathy. I recommend listening skills is included in an annual CPD plan.